Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
