rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
