Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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