Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I want a musical about memes.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
