Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
