I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
