Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
