I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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