Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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