do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
