Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
