Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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