i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
