is your mom at the bar?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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