remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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