I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
worst night to have a conscience
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
