Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
dude i'm inner monologue high
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
