using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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