I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
