Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
