My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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