he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
