she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
