I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
