I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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