Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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