"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
