I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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