Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
