i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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