Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
