Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
