i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize