Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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