Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
