I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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