No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
