Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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