I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize