farters have to be the big spoon...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
