The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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