Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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