So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize