Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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