I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
