he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
