I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she pinky promised me she was 18
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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