Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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