trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
