apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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