The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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