It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
