where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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