I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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