i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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